Dignity

I have been thinking about the word dignity. Almost to the point of not thinking about anything else. Well nothing else except work and 175 student applications and interviews and shadow days and marketing plans, but I digress. 

Dignity.

The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not diminished by the indifference of others. ~Dag Hammarskjod

On or around the time that Rick had served about six months of his twelve month sentence in the federal prison, his attorney, Andrew Murphy, asked the Family Court to relieve him of his duties as Rick's attorney. Will Meredith had confided in me that although Andrew Murphy had not been paid since the initial retainer, Murphy's reason was only partially because he had not been paid. Will told me that Andrew Murphy's desire to resign was primarily because he was sick/tired of dealing with Rick and Rick's family. Often people say that threatening to quit while not being paid for the job performed is a negotiating tactic- but isn't it really about dignity? Andrew Murphy was providing a service and the family had means and I can only imagine at some level he felt he was being taken advantage of by Rick and the Webb/Kotter family. Andrew Murphy was paid by Mel (Rick's father) and thus remained Rick's divorce attorney until we finalized the divorce in June of 2001. Rick's criminal attorney, Eric Lee, has represented him in our ongoing legal battles for the past 10 plus years. I miss the patience and candor of Mr. Murphy.

Dignity.

Let not a man guard his dignity, but let his dignity guard him ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I write this blog post today on January 9th 2012. The post is not about the past- it is about the present time. Hannah continues to be strong with the boundaries she had to establish with her father.  Hannah has put serious limits on their contact and consequently with her relationship with her father. As a result of Hannah's strength, her father's entire family have decided to further minimize/eliminate their relationship with her. This past May was Hannah's 21st Birthday, Rick acknowledged it with a card and a gift. There was not a single card, letter, text message, note or phone call for Hannah's Birthday from any of her many Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and/or Grandparents on Rick's side of the family. Six months later in the month of December as we celebrated Christmas (and Hanukah) and went on to celebrate a New Year, there was no contact from any member of Rick's family- and by any member I am including Hannah's father, Rick. Hannah feels relief from all of this- I feel anger.

Rick and his family have chosen to 'punish' Hannah for taking care of herself. Her father by the way who happens to be a convicted felon, sex offender, who preys on children. The following is a draft of a letter I am considering writing to Rick's family:

Dear Candy, Harv and Ingrid (Mel's widow)and carbon copies to all members of Rick's family,

I have had no interest in ever communicating with you and had anticipated never doing so for the rest of your lives. Recent events however that pertain to Hannah do not allow me to just sit back and let you all bully your granddaughter any longer. Are you using this as an opportunity because Hannah refuses to enable Rick's narcassism? While I am writing about that situation I have some other things I'd like to get off my chest.

Since the day I served Rick with divorce papers you have somehow believed and behaved that the children should be the ones to come to you instead of you, the adults, reaching out to them. Your actions and responses seemed to reflect a family torn apart by a normal divorce. Our divorce was never a normal divorce, ever, Rick is a pedophile, a convicted felon, a registered sex offender, he served time in a federal prison, and by the way he can't vote. This is  pertinent because you all have clearly chosen to take sides. Jan at least had the guts early on to admit that it was hard and she was told not to have contact with me. Ingrid sent messages to me through the children telling them that she missed me and wanted to be in contact with me. Ironically, when Scott suggested Ingrid write to me she said she could not as she was afraid the rest of the family might find out.

I heard it said many years ago from one of you that I was keeping the children away from you. I never discouraged you from contacting the children- however you always wanted the children to approach you. I did not trust you, nor do I now trust you and I would argue that you all were/are complicit in Rick's actions as you had first hand knowledge of Rick and his previous activities. You did not like the supervised visitation that needed to occur, not only because it was the law but because it was what Hannah and Scott wanted. You had complete and utter disregard for me but mostly total disregard for the safety and well being of Hannah and Scott, your grandchildren.  The fact alone that you knew Rick had molested Barb and chose to keep me in the dark about this- was and continues to be reprehensible. Candy's immediate response when I phoned to inform her of Rick's arrest (for crossing state lines to meet a 14 year old boy to have sex) was that men only think with one part of their anatomy. Really? About a 14 year old boy?  At the time I was in a state of denial and shock about my husband being arrested let alone what he was arrested for and could not even respond to what she had said. Candy did not skip a beat and continued on and  immediately asked me; "You dont think Rick ever did anything to Scott do you?"

Every decision I made, with the advice of my attorney, and our counselors, I did on behalf of my children. This does not make me a marter, it just makes me someone who recognizes the situation, gets the facts and makes a decision based on what is best for the children. Children who were young and did not have the qualifications or life experience or knowledge of who their father was to make decisions for themselves- oh by the way that is what a parent does. Hannah now as an adult has taken in to context all that Rick has done and how he has treated her and chosen how she wants her relationship to be with him. I guess you all have chosen how you want your relationship to be with her as a result. Don't get me wrong, Hannah is relieved that you have decided to cut her off. It is me who is angry at your ridiculous behavior.

Since the day of Rick's arrest even before we separated, you never once asked if we were okay or if the children needed anything?  Rick treated us horribly. Everything was all about him, as it had always been.   These are his children and these were his actions that created the situation in the first place. He has not compromised his lifestyle in order to help his children, he has an expensive home and an expensive car. I wonder if his 'girlfriend' is aware of who he really is or if he has sold her a bill of goods as he had sold me. Have you shared with her the truth of who Rick is or have you chosen to blame others? Do you not feel that you have an ethical and moral responsibility to tell her the truth?   Have you read the transcripts of the conversations between Rick and the 14 year old boy?

This is what I really want to say and let it all out:
You all are sick crazy narcasists and deserve each other. You certainly don't deserve Scott or Hannah and I hope you are pleased with taking the side of a pedophile instead of your innocent granddaughter who has done nothing but attempt to establish healthy boundaries with her unhealthy father. When he continued to push her she had to set bigger walls in order to be a healthy happy productive human being. I have worked hard to raise two responsible adults who had their life pulled out from under them- which it turns out was the biggest blessing they could receive. I cannot even begin to imagine who they would be if Rick had participated in raising them and I thank God everyday for his arrest so I didn't have to find out. Punishing Hannah for taking a stand in her relationship with her father who serves only himself? Really? That's who you are? But then again you all are just crazy and why am I even bothering? You cannot begin to comprehend what the children and I have gone through.

I have so much to say to these people and then again, I have nothing to say to them.

Dignity. My friend Tom wrote that Dignity is Everything. Everything.